there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
