im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
