ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
