I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
