You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
