Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
