I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
