And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
