The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Floor bacon is actually really good
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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