so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
