he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
