he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
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his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
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I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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