is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
