Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
