if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Vodka?
Forever.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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