I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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