i just wanna soil my oats bro
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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