when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
