Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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