Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
