I am spending my child support on dildos
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
