Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
