the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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