Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
