It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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