I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
