I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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