Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My life is pants optional.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
