Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
