we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The uberlube is also flammable
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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