Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
