the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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