Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
