I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
