hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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