pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
A bitchslap is in order.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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