I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
