I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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