Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
How's work?
Spinning.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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