I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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