Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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