I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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