The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
