Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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