Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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