a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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