I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
