New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
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I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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