I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
