a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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