apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
