Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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