Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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