***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
