I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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