Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
