so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
